Above and Beyond

For the first time in over two years, I got on the scale and saw a number above my goal weight.  Disappointed but not shocked.  I knew I made some poor food choices this past week and it shows.  Too much of this, too much of that and not carefully measuring portions caught up with me this week.

What is next?  Starting today, fully back on plan with counting, weighing and measuring.  It was tough to see that number this morning but I want to use it to motivate me to return to my happy weight.

In honesty, nothing tasted THAT good.  Well one thing did but I sent those home with others and got them out of my house.  Billion Dollar bars are awesome but full of billions of things my body does not need.  I have felt bloated and sluggish the last few days and eating out of the ordinary foods are the culprits especially when paired with my “relaxed” attitude and lack of real mind-set.  Owning it and moving forward!

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Being Thankful and Prayerful

I woke up at my normal time this morning and did my normal 2.5 miles.  Many would think why would you do that today?  Afterall, it is Thanksgiving today! In no particular order but reflective of my mind as I was out this morning.  First, I am very thankful that I am alive today and physically able to walk.  Looking back over this last year, I have faced a health issue that if I would not have gone to the doctor could have ended with my physical existence ended. Second, I am thankful that relatives arrived safely to celebrate Thanksgiving with my mom and I this year.  Third, I am thankful for family, friends and my virtual acquaintances.  Fourth, I am thankful for having a good place to live, work and enjoy life.  Nothing is ever perfect but you can enjoy your life experiences perfectly.  Fifth, I am thankful that life goes on no matter what disappointments happen and I can offer prayers for those who have recently lost, mothers, brothers, children or other loved ones at this time of the year.  Sixth, I am thankful for our nation and the diversity that exists.  Before 6 am this morning, I could hear the chanting echoing from a mosque close by and this reminded me that not everyone believes the same things, does the same things and lives the same way.  All of the differences are what this country has been built on.  America has been proud of being a melting pot of cultures, traditions and people.  Lately, we seem to not want to be in a melting pot where things are blended together in harmony but rather separate, unequal and selfish.   Seventh, reading what I just wrote, we need to pray for our nation, our leaders and each other as we move forward into a new year.  This year, I feel that many things that have distracted us from focusing on the positive, blinding us to what we have in common as human beings and preventing us from living in a spirit of peace.  Eight, let us all pray for celebrating the positive, embracing our commonalities and living in peace and harmony with all.   Our differences should be our best uniting force not the source of contention and division.  After all, we live in the UNITED States of America and not what has seemed like the UN-TIED States of America.  A new year is coming, let us all unite and show the world what is so wonderful about this nation!  Ninth, do not forget to pray for those with whom we disagree.  Do not pray for them to agree with you but rather that we can learn to disagree in a bond of peace and respect.   Tenth, and lastly, let us not only pray for those who are less fortunate, but let us DO something to help them every day of the year, not just a few times a year at the holidays.  Be a lifter and a builder.  This last year we have had enough of negative and destruction.  Let us all come together to solve the problems, lift each other up and have a very happy Thanksgiving!  After all, it is not really the food, but the people we should be focusing on.

Happy Thanksgiving and every day should be a Friendsgiving!

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The First Choice- NOT

There are many memories that you never seem to forget and normally they are the negative things.  My first memory of pain happened when I was about two years old and I was sitting on my mother’s lap as she was sewing something on the sewing machine.  I decided it would be good to try to touch the needle as it was moving up and down.  Yes I put my left index finger under the raised needle and when it came down on my nail, my first memory of pain was born.

As I grew older there were other memories of emotional pain that I became more familiar with than any past physical pain.  The school playground/recess became the birthplace of many new memories of pain.  Your first thought might have been that I must have been an accident prone child but the pain I became familiar with was the deeper longer-lasting pain of exclusion, being overlooked, and not ever being the first choice when teams were formed.  When you are  a “chubby” child, you are often ignored, called names and sometimes the victim of bullying.  I learned that not being a choice made you the last resort and no one really wanted you on their team.  It didn’t matter if you were good at that sport or game, still no one wanted you unless it was tug of war and everyone know you needed a “heavy weight” at the end of the rope.  Most times you were a “reject”, “undesirable” and the butt end of many “fatty” jokes.

Those emotional feelings carried forward into my pre-teen and teenage years.  Being an overweight teenager nurtured these feelings and allowed me to retreat into my own world in which I convinced myself I did not need anyone.  In my own world I was loved, beautiful and someone’s first choice.  My reality was much different.  I felt unloved, ugly and someone who no one wanted.  I further retreated in being the best student I could be in hopes of pleasing someone and making them proud of me.  I always seemed to just miss the mark.  An “A” could have been an “A+.” It was never good enough and I wasn’t good enough.  Those tapes played over and over in my head.  Looking back though those tapes did a lot of damage, they propelled me to be a great student, to read, to write and paint.  Art became my escape along with writing.   I would draw pictures, make and design clothes for my collection of paper dolls, and writing fictional stories and eventually I would write a diary and journal my feelings and experiences.

Those first memories of rejection and not fitting in would follow me way into adulthood and carry a lot of weight in my head until I learned to re-write those tapes and create a more positive internal space for myself.   But though I have gotten past those old tapes/memories, I still find myself wanting to be a first choice.  Though I haven’t been a first choice even in many of my jobs I have held, including my current position. I want to believe my supervisors have never regretted that I was chosen even with not being their first choice.  I am still an overachiever but now I do it to please someone Higher than myself and the awesome by-product is that by doing a good job for Him, I am happy and others are happy too.

Sometimes not being a “first” choice is a great incentive for working harder, becoming a better person and dodging a “bullet.”  The best first choice you can be is to yourself.  Be your own first choice.

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