CHAPTER 3: Who is really a click away?

Dear Universe,

I am still on my online journey in the dating world.  I want to share with you some people I have virtually “met”  but I will not use names to protect the innocent and the guilty.

Male #1 – Had a good picture and profile, appeared professional, intelligent and compatible.  We moved to emailing right away as he seemed to “fit” everything I was seeking in a man. I should have realized this was just too good to be true!  After beginning to email, in less than 48 hours, his “focus” had shifted from getting to know me and friendship to chatting about his sexual fantacies.  Boom.  NEXT!

Male #2-Had a goofy picture but a very well written profile.  In fact, his writing was very good and almost poetic.  The downside right off, he was very far away from where I live.  I do not mean 10 miles more like 3000 miles!  From this experience, I learned to set “filters” that allow only men from 50 miles or less from me to contact me. Male #2 and I emailed for a while and things then started to shift in his emails from getting to know me to wanting to know my every move.  He would constantly send me questions such as, “Where are you? What are you doing?  Who are you with?  Boom.  NEXT!

Male #3 – Was in my “filtered” list but I could not understand why as his profile said he lived about 35 miles from me.  His picture wasn’t anything special.  Why why do so many men on this website have ONE picture of themselves in sunglasses!  We want to see your eyes gentlemen!  Anyway, his message was asking me if I ever went to such and such a county.  I replied with a no, why do you ask.  His reply was because he wanted to meet me.   I replied with humor indicating there were roads in existence between his location and mine and I do not believe the police were blocking the roads.  Again, maintaining a sense of humor is paramount!  What would make a man think a woman who HE had contacted would come to him!?  I let my imagination lose on this one and thought perhaps an ankle monitoring bracelet was involved.  Another friend suggested perhaps the man did not own a vehicle!  I am not a taxi service! FLAG! In fact TWO flags on this play! Boom! NEXT!

Male #4- Had a great profile and picture.  Was age appropriate (More on this later)  and he was intelligent and could type and communicate very well.  He said he worked in the medical field, was understanding and seemed to be very easy-going.  He actually understood why women are not apt to give out too much personal information online to a total stranger.  YAY! We had great chats online and determined we had many things in common.  Someone I wanted to meet!

Male #5-Picture straight out of GQ Magazine! Movie star handsome but can we say FAKE? Not only was the photo fake he was a total fake.  He claimed to be a psychologist and lives about 300 miles from me and this was before I put on my mileage filter.  I thought that I would respond but I knew what I was going to encounter so I was ready for what I thought would follow as I knew this man was not “real” so this would be for giggles.  This mas demanded I give him my phone number in his first message to me. FLAG!  When I respectfully told him no and explained why, he came back with a retort trying to bully me into giving him my phone number.  FLAG!  This was my proof he indeed was not a psychologist and if he was really one he was a very bad one!  Boom! NEXT!

These first five males I feel reflect the types of men  you are apt to encounter on  dating website.  Statistics say one in six could be someone that is sincere and looking for something but I think it is more like one in five from my experiences.  I would summarize the males above as follows.

  • Male #1 – The man looking for sex is the most common type of man you will encounter online.
  • Male #2 – The man who is a dreamer and needs to face reality.  Not necessarily Peter Pan but wants to think beyond reality.
  • Male #3 – The man who seems clueless about women and dating and does not seem to know he is clueless.
  • Male #4 – The man who is a really what he appears, nice a good guy truly looking for something real.  This is a needle in a haystack but worth the hunt!
  • Male #5 – The man who is selfish, manipulative, controlling, bullies to get his way. All of this points to me that he truly despises women and is up to no good.

Only one of these five there was only one I wanted to meet, male #4.

Men have told me women message them and chat and ask them to send them money.  I have not encountered that with the males yet but I did have someone not age appropriate messages me and ask me if I was his mommy! Shaking my head on that one!  No, I did not bother to reply he was in my filtered list where he belonged as he was not what I felt was age appropriate for me!  The nice side of your filtered list is that you can read what messages sent to you even though they do not meet your age or distance specifications.  I have found a large number of people who message me in the filtered list suddenly do not have an active profile any longer either.  I wonder if they are married and about to get “caught” by their wife or maybe have met someone already or are one of those “fake” men trying to get someone who will allow them to act badly.

Stay tuned!

Below is a graphic I found online with some stats about online dating and tips for improving your profile picture.  Notice the “stretching” or “shrinking” of some of the facts!

online-dating-3

 

 

 

Advertisements

Chapter 2: Online Dating: Perspective Ten Years Later

Dear Universe,

Yes, I am carefully negotiating the precarious virtual world of online dating.  Of course I am speaking from the female perspective but I know the same or similar experiences happen on the male side as well.  People are people and often possess the same types of flaws.  Nothing is exclusively male or female traits in online dating.

Having been in the online dating scene ten years ago, I wondered how much different the experience would be now vs ten years ago.  At first glance, I did not feel anything had changed but after stepping back and talking with a few friends, I did realize that while the experience has not changed fundamentally, I had changed dramatically.  I no longer accepted bad behavior as I had previously.  What had changed?  I finally realized and accepted my self-worth and understood what I to bring to the table (relationship).  In the past being overweight, I did not feel I had much to offer and therefore, I did not attract those who had much to offer either.

Now, I am noticing that there is a different general type of man who contacts me or I choose to contact myself.  THAT is so different, I take the initiative to send messages to those I feel we might have enough things in common to build a good friendship.

I have found that self-perception varies widely among males on a dating site.  There are the very typical “Fibs” about age, it seems common for males to subtract ten years from their age, embellish their body type choosing “fit” when it appears the only thing they have tried to “fit” into was a Lazyboy.

It seems more common in today’s dating world that men expect women to share their phone number after only having said “hello.”  CRAZINESS! I do not understand why men expect self-respecting, intelligent, internet savvy women to hand over their phone number so easily?  I hear “you can block your number”  “what’s the big deal?” a lot.  Why should I have to feel obligated to give a stranger my phone number?  In the modern online world, once someone has your cell number they can easily and inexpensively acquire your name, address and other personal information.  Talk about a stalkers paradise!  scary stuff ladies do NOT feel obligated to talk on the phone or text with anyone!

Online dating appears to have evolved into behaviors that used to only be observed in “meat market” bars and clubs.  If men cannot respect your boundaries, space and be considerate all I have to say is NEXT!   One of my favorites so far was a man (not from my area) who had a profile picture that was straight out of GQ Magazine and claimed to be a Psychologist.   He insisted that I give him my phone number up front.  I replied nicely that being a psychologist he should understand boundaries and that I was not comfortable providing such information so early in a contact.   He then proceeded to say that I had made a Freudian slip and that I really wanted to give him my phone number.  I shook my head and typed that he needed to check this slip as it was slipping!  He replied that I was “scared” and kept repeating this.  I replied to him that is passive aggressive tactics would get no where with me.  He persisted.  I had to block him.  Obviously a “fake” who if in reality he was a psychologist he was a very poor one!  I guess he thought his GQ fake photo was supposed to ‘excuse’ his bullying and poor behavior and lack of respect for others.  Sad, really sad.  But NEXT!

Then there was a man who messaged me and asked me if I got to such and such county which happened to be out of my area.  I responded with a “no, why?”  He said “I would like to meet you.”  I chose to deal with this response with a little humor,  “I do believe the roads between here and there run both ways and last I had heard, they removed the police barricades.”  No response back.  I am gathering there might have been an ankle monitor that prevented him from leaving his county.  NEXT!

I have managed to have some very good message exchanges with some men who seem to be very nice, honest and truly seeking something beyond a “booty call.”

Lesson #1:  Have a great sense of humor.

Lesson #2:  Do not accept bad behavior because you “like” the picture.

Lesson #3:  Do not allow anyone make you feel uncomfortable by their questions.  If they are too personal, say so and ask them to refrain from those kinds of questions.

Lesson #4:  Never give out all of your personal information too soon.  Protect yourself from stalkers and those who are just looking to get something for nothing.

Lesson #5:   Never assume the profile information/picture is accurate or the information is a real reflection of what the person is seeking online.

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE ONLINE!   Stay tuned for the continuing saga!

online-dating-1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1: Joining an Online Dating Site

I took it on myself to join an online dating site this past week and the first  few hours I received an overwhelming number of messages.  At first flattering, then it became flat out overwhelming.

In the past way past, when I attempted this previously, I found online dating overall to be a cesspool of people looking for one night stands.  There was an endless chain of seedy men wanting to “date” you (that is what they called it) and I called it something else entirely.

The online dating sites have not changed much in ten years.  Most are there for something really “fast” and not real.  There are gems to be had, but you have to dig for them and sift through many “noisy” messages.  I try to be polite and respond to all messages but the first 24 hours was plain exhausting.  But three men stood out and impressed me and I felt I needed to take time to know more about them.

The first messaged me and when I read his profile he was intelligent, professional and appeared to want some of the same things I did.   I was impressed.  Another man though not professional seemed real and genuine so yeah another man I felt I needed to communicate with.  And there was a third that I took it on myself to contact him.  He seems nice and worth knowing.

The first man who had messaged me very interesting and he seemed very grounded and really looking for a real relationship.  In corresponding with him I found out he knows how to talk the talk but not walk the walk in a little over 24 hours.  STRIKE ONE. Next!